What Do We Do About Discipline?
December 23, 2024

We often get asked the question, “How do you handle discipline issues?” We love this question because in Montessori we think about discipline from a different lens. 


We start by being curious because misbehavior is a form of communication. Children want to do well and do the right thing. So what are they trying to tell us when they misbehave?


Unmet Physical Needs


Children often misbehave due to unmet needs. At a very basic, physical level, this might be due to being hungry, tired, or overstimulated. So we look at children’s environment and what could change to better support those needs. Perhaps the problem is due to missing their sleep window and being overtired? Or maybe there’s a need for a more protein-packed breakfast so as to not fall apart mid-morning. It might be that a room full of people is causing too much sensory input and a little time in a quieter space or fresh air is just what’s needed.


Unmet Emotional Needs


Other times children might have unmet emotional needs. Dr. Jane Nelson provides an excellent overview of unmet needs in her Positive Discipline work. Positive Discipline aligns well with Montessori because both are based in teaching children respect, responsibility, and problem-solving skills. 


In Positive Discipline, Dr. Nelson outlines unmet emotional needs and categorizes these as four mistaken goals. The essence of Positive Discipline is that children develop behaviors in response to feeling disconnected or powerless in certain situations, so they unconsciously use four strategies to try to get their needs met. Unfortunately, these strategies tend to backfire because the behavior isn’t effective! So our goal is to support children in learning new ways to meet their needs. 


Mistaken Goal #1: Attention


The first mistaken goal is attention. We see this when children show behaviors like whining, interrupting, or causing disruptions of some sort. They are seeking attention but can’t yet distinguish between positive attention and negative attention. So when adults respond with annoyance, irritation, or even by giving in, we are inadvertently reinforcing the attention-seeking behavior and children’s underlying belief that they only belong when they have our attention (even if our attention is based on frustration!). 


A way to help children meet this need is to offer positive attention, encouragement, and connection at times when they aren’t showing misbehavior. Another proactive approach is to find engaging and meaningful tasks for children to do, which helps provide them with a sense of belonging and connection.


Mistaken Goal #2: Power


When we, as adults, feel angry or challenged in response to children’s behavior, that’s usually a sign that the mistaken goal is one of power-seeking. This kind of behavior can quickly escalate into power struggles, defiance, or even other ways to exert control such as through tantrums or arguing. When children have an unmet goal of power, they have an underlying belief that they can belong only when they are in control or when they can prove that no one can boss them around. 


We can support children who have this unmet need by practicing collaborative problem-solving during times when things are already going well. In the moment of challenge, we can avoid power struggles by offering limited choices in a firm but kind way.


Mistaken Goal #3: Revenge


One of the more confusing forms of misbehavior is when children do things that seem intended to hurt others, such as hitting, name-calling, and other destructive actions. When acting this way children are demonstrating that they don’t feel loved so they will hurt others as they feel hurt. What’s tricky is that this behavior often leads to others feeling hurt and wanting to either distance themselves or retaliate. 


In order to address this mistaken goal, we need to focus on repairing the relationship and over time addressing the underlying hurt. Empathy and restorative practices help in the process of healing emotional wounds. This mistaken goal requires us to get genuinely curious without any form of accusation or disapproval.


Mistaken Goal #4: Assumed Inadequacy


When children give up easily, withdraw, avoid challenges, or refuse to try, they may be operating under the belief that they belong only by convincing others not to expect anything from them. Our reactions may include feeling helpless, giving up, or even taking over tasks our children were expected to do. 


An alternative approach is to encourage small steps toward success and to focus on effort over outcomes. Over time, by breaking up tasks into smaller, manageable parts, and providing side-by-side support without taking over and doing the task for them, we can help children develop more confidence and belief in their abilities.


Shifting our Thinking


So when thinking about misbehavior, we shift our approach to first consider what physical and emotional needs children are trying to communicate. Then we focus on long-term solutions while practicing kindness and firmness. Consistent encouragement, respectful communication, and proactive planning help us address what might typically be seen as “discipline issues” so we can guide children toward healthier behaviors. Part of this includes helping children begin to understand their own needs, learn how to communicate respectfully and establish healthy habits and boundaries.


Do you want to learn more about how school can nurture children’s emotional well-being and their sense of belonging? Schedule a tour to see how we create environments of mutual respect and cooperation!



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In Montessori education, we emphasize community, not just as an abstract concept, but as a lived daily experience. From the very beginning of life, we emphasize carefully prepared environments that foster a deep sense of belonging and connection. What Is Community? The word community comes from the Latin communis , meaning “common, public, general, or shared by all or many.” In addition to shared space, in Montessori, we also think about community as a shared sense of meaning, values, and connection. At its core, community begins with the most fundamental human group: the family. Families form children’s first social experience and the first place where values, culture, and expectations are passed down. This bond has helped humans survive and thrive throughout history. Partnering with Families In the Montessori approach, we honor and respect each family's unique values, striving to foster strong home-school relationships. Our partnership with families is a mutual journey—one in which the adult caregivers at school and home come together with a shared purpose: to nurture children’s natural growth. Building the Toddler Community We design our learning environments—both indoors and outdoors—to meet each child where they are, providing just the right level of challenge, comfort, and beauty. In creating community, we focus on essential, concrete elements like people, space, and materials, while also attending to intangible aspects that provide a profound sense of order. The People : The adults—both the lead guide and trained assistants—focus on personal and professional preparation. Their role is not to direct the child but to support their natural development with presence, purpose, and peacefulness. The Space : The physical environment must be appropriately sized, thoughtfully arranged, and aesthetically pleasing. If it’s too large, children can feel lost or overstimulated. If it’s too small, they may feel crowded and unsettled. We design every detail—from the furniture to the flow of the day—with intention. The Materials : Everything in the classroom is purposeful, developmentally appropriate, and in harmony with Montessori principles. We carefully select materials to support children’s movement, independence, concentration, and sense of order. Profound Order : A true Montessori community also relies on an invisible but essential structure: the order that underlies everything. Children have a fundamental need for order, especially during the first six years of life when they are in their sensitive period for order. External order—seen in routines, consistent expectations, and a well-organized space—helps children form inner order, which is the foundation of emotional regulation, concentration, and autonomy. If children do not experience order in their lives, they must expend energy trying to create it—energy that should instead be used for self-construction. That is why order must exist not just in the physical environment, but also in the adults’ behavior and in the flow of the day. A sense of control, predictability, and respect enables toddlers to flourish as they begin to form their personalities. The Role of the Prepared Adult As we create and cultivate our learning communities, we also recognize the significance of our role as adults in creating a community where toddlers feel safe, supported, and free to grow. While we play a critical role in creating and maintaining a beautiful environment, we also recognize that it belongs to the children for their growth and development. To ensure that we support this development, we strive to master the art of observation, which enables us to identify what children need to aid their growth. With a deep understanding of the purpose of every material in the classroom, we can then connect children to meaningful work through intentional and respectful presentations. We also practice humility, recognizing that children are often more in tune with their needs than we are. Our work with toddlers requires us to respect each child’s human potential, even when behavior is challenging, and to love unconditionally, accepting children for who they are, not who we want them to be. This practice means that we regularly reflect on our own work, always striving to improve so that we can better serve the children. A Living, Breathing Community Creating a Montessori community for toddlers is both an art and a science that requires intentional environments, well-prepared adults, and a deep respect for children’s developmental journey. At its heart, the Montessori Toddler Community is a shared space where children learn how to be in the world—together. It is here they first experience what it means to belong, to contribute, and to grow with others. Schedule a visit to see what an intentionally designed community looks like in action!