What Do We Do About Discipline?
December 23, 2024

We often get asked the question, “How do you handle discipline issues?” We love this question because in Montessori we think about discipline from a different lens. 


We start by being curious because misbehavior is a form of communication. Children want to do well and do the right thing. So what are they trying to tell us when they misbehave?


Unmet Physical Needs


Children often misbehave due to unmet needs. At a very basic, physical level, this might be due to being hungry, tired, or overstimulated. So we look at children’s environment and what could change to better support those needs. Perhaps the problem is due to missing their sleep window and being overtired? Or maybe there’s a need for a more protein-packed breakfast so as to not fall apart mid-morning. It might be that a room full of people is causing too much sensory input and a little time in a quieter space or fresh air is just what’s needed.


Unmet Emotional Needs


Other times children might have unmet emotional needs. Dr. Jane Nelson provides an excellent overview of unmet needs in her Positive Discipline work. Positive Discipline aligns well with Montessori because both are based in teaching children respect, responsibility, and problem-solving skills. 


In Positive Discipline, Dr. Nelson outlines unmet emotional needs and categorizes these as four mistaken goals. The essence of Positive Discipline is that children develop behaviors in response to feeling disconnected or powerless in certain situations, so they unconsciously use four strategies to try to get their needs met. Unfortunately, these strategies tend to backfire because the behavior isn’t effective! So our goal is to support children in learning new ways to meet their needs. 


Mistaken Goal #1: Attention


The first mistaken goal is attention. We see this when children show behaviors like whining, interrupting, or causing disruptions of some sort. They are seeking attention but can’t yet distinguish between positive attention and negative attention. So when adults respond with annoyance, irritation, or even by giving in, we are inadvertently reinforcing the attention-seeking behavior and children’s underlying belief that they only belong when they have our attention (even if our attention is based on frustration!). 


A way to help children meet this need is to offer positive attention, encouragement, and connection at times when they aren’t showing misbehavior. Another proactive approach is to find engaging and meaningful tasks for children to do, which helps provide them with a sense of belonging and connection.


Mistaken Goal #2: Power


When we, as adults, feel angry or challenged in response to children’s behavior, that’s usually a sign that the mistaken goal is one of power-seeking. This kind of behavior can quickly escalate into power struggles, defiance, or even other ways to exert control such as through tantrums or arguing. When children have an unmet goal of power, they have an underlying belief that they can belong only when they are in control or when they can prove that no one can boss them around. 


We can support children who have this unmet need by practicing collaborative problem-solving during times when things are already going well. In the moment of challenge, we can avoid power struggles by offering limited choices in a firm but kind way.


Mistaken Goal #3: Revenge


One of the more confusing forms of misbehavior is when children do things that seem intended to hurt others, such as hitting, name-calling, and other destructive actions. When acting this way children are demonstrating that they don’t feel loved so they will hurt others as they feel hurt. What’s tricky is that this behavior often leads to others feeling hurt and wanting to either distance themselves or retaliate. 


In order to address this mistaken goal, we need to focus on repairing the relationship and over time addressing the underlying hurt. Empathy and restorative practices help in the process of healing emotional wounds. This mistaken goal requires us to get genuinely curious without any form of accusation or disapproval.


Mistaken Goal #4: Assumed Inadequacy


When children give up easily, withdraw, avoid challenges, or refuse to try, they may be operating under the belief that they belong only by convincing others not to expect anything from them. Our reactions may include feeling helpless, giving up, or even taking over tasks our children were expected to do. 


An alternative approach is to encourage small steps toward success and to focus on effort over outcomes. Over time, by breaking up tasks into smaller, manageable parts, and providing side-by-side support without taking over and doing the task for them, we can help children develop more confidence and belief in their abilities.


Shifting our Thinking


So when thinking about misbehavior, we shift our approach to first consider what physical and emotional needs children are trying to communicate. Then we focus on long-term solutions while practicing kindness and firmness. Consistent encouragement, respectful communication, and proactive planning help us address what might typically be seen as “discipline issues” so we can guide children toward healthier behaviors. Part of this includes helping children begin to understand their own needs, learn how to communicate respectfully and establish healthy habits and boundaries.


Do you want to learn more about how school can nurture children’s emotional well-being and their sense of belonging? Schedule a tour to see how we create environments of mutual respect and cooperation!



Child using color-coded word cards to explore pronouns in a Montessori language activity.
March 9, 2026
When children begin working with pronouns in Montessori, they are not learning something entirely new. Instead, they are bringing to consciousness language they already use every day. Pronoun work builds slowly and intentionally. It is not about mastering grammar rules, but about understanding how language functions and how meaning is carried when words stand in for one another. Beginning With Experience, Not Explanation Montessori pronoun work begins with movement and spoken language, not written grammar. We start with little oral games to highlight how a pronoun functions, sometimes eliminating the pronoun (“Josie and John and Jack and Josiah are walking around the table.”) and other times emphasizing the pronoun (“They are walking around the table.”). The children love acting out the phrases, sometimes chanting, moving, watching one another, and laughing. Through these physical experiences, they begin to notice that we don’t always use names when we speak. Certain words take the place of a noun, and the meaning is still clear. At this stage, we don’t offer the term pronoun because we want children to simply experience its function. From Movement to Sentences Once children are ready for more structured language work, we introduce them to the Pronoun Grammar Box so they can build and rebuild sentences using color-coded cards for each part of speech. From one sentence to the next, only a few words change as nouns get replaced by pronouns. By comparing sentences, children discover that although the word changes, the sentence still makes sense. This comparison is essential. Rather than being told what a pronoun is, children see what it does. We then invite children to add grammar symbols to the sentence (noun, article, adjective, verb, preposition, adverb) until we finally draw attention to the remaining word: “This word is used in place of a noun.” Only then do we introduce the pronoun symbol: a purple isosceles triangle, the height of the noun symbol. Montessori Lore: The Pronoun’s Story There’s a beloved story about the pronoun symbol. Long ago, the pronoun was shorter and a different color. Wanting to be as important as the noun, it stretched itself taller and taller to reach the same height. As it stretched, its base became smaller and it turned purple from the effort of standing in the noun’s place. It’s a poetic reminder of what children discover through their work: a pronoun depends on the noun, borrowing its meaning while standing in for it. Why Pronouns Come Later Pronouns are more abstract than other parts of speech. To understand a pronoun, children must already have a strong, concrete understanding of the noun. For this reason, pronouns (along with interjections) are typically introduced later than other grammar symbols, often in the elementary years. Even then, one lesson is not enough. In Montessori, the real learning happens after the presentation, when we step back and children work independently with the material. The guide’s role is to show how to use the material, not to explain grammar in detail. Understanding emerges through repeated use. Deepening Understanding Through Play and Exploration As children grow more confident, the work expands to include: Transposition games, where pronouns are removed or replaced to explore how meaning changes. Command cards, which physically isolate pronouns through action. Personal pronoun charts, introducing first, second, and third person (singular and plural) through storytelling. The Verb Family, where children explore the close relationship between the verb, adverb, and pronoun. Children discover that pronouns often work closely with verbs, helping to carry action and meaning through a sentence. Subtleties Come Later At first, Montessori avoids getting caught in fine distinctions. Over time, children may explore nuances such as the difference between possessive pronouns (the book is mine) and possessive adjectives (my book). These discussions often happen later, sometimes with the support of grammar references, once children have a solid foundation. Language Revealed, Not Taught Through this carefully layered progression of movement, sentence work, symbols, and exploration, children develop a deep understanding of how words function differently in sentences. Montessori grammar invites children to discover how language works at their own pace through hands-on exploration. We don’t rush this process. So by the time children are ready to name the pronoun, it’s not a new idea. It’s something they already know. We invite you to visit our classrooms in Delran, New Jersey to see firsthand the children’s joy of learning!
Newborn baby sleeping peacefully, illustrating Montessori-inspired healthy infant sleep.
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Sleep is a skill children develop with support, trust, and preparation. This reflection explores how Montessori philosophy aligns with sleep science to support healthy rest for children and parents.