When at Wit’s End
April 14, 2025

Our children are hard-wired to test boundaries. They do this while simultaneously wanting assurance that they are accepted and belong. While this tendency may try our patience, it helps to remember that children just want to know that we can maintain both limits and connection.


Over the years, we’ve found four key approaches that, when used in parallel, can help re-establish relationships, provide clarity of expectations and routines, and help children feel understood and valued.


Mistaken Goals


Often, our children act out when their needs are not being met in some way. If we can understand what our children are trying to achieve through their behavior, we can address these underlying needs. The Positive Discipline model identifies how many behaviors stem from four mistaken goals: the desire for attention, the need for power, the hunger for revenge, and the assumption of inadequacy. 


If children’s goal is attention, the coded message behind the behavior is "notice me" or "involve me usefully.” If the need is power, their behavior conveys that they need meaningful ways to contribute. If children are trying to get revenge, they are communicating they are hurting or need their feelings validated. When their goal is assumed inadequacy, expressed by giving up or wanting to be left alone, the message behind their behavior is a need for others to believe in their capability and show them small steps toward success.


We tend to have emotional responses when our children misbehave, and those feelings are the key to breaking the code of behavior. We recommend using this Positive Discipline Mistaken Goal chart. Use the first column to identify how we feel when faced with the behavior. The subsequent columns (such as how we tend to react and our child’s response) help hone in on the possible mistaken goal. Then, the chart also helps identify the possible beliefs behind the behavior, how adults may contrive, the underlying message, and proactive and empowering responses to shift the behavior. 


Pausing and remembering that misbehavior is a form of communication can help us respond to our children in more supportive ways. 


Playful Parenting


Play allows children to process and make sense of their lives. They need play, and as Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD, so eloquently explains in his book, Playful Parenting, children need the adults in their lives to play, too. Even though we may not feel like playing, by engaging in this way, we can create more closeness, cooperation, and confidence in our children.  


When there is a particularly tricky situation that keeps arising–perhaps bedtime, getting out of the house, sharing with a sibling, or something else–using a “playful parenting” model can help. To do this, first, briefly discuss the challenge together during a relaxed time when everyone is in a good mood. This conversation should be non-judgmental and focused more on making observations. For example, “I’ve noticed that when it’s time to leave for school, you seem to get really stuck, and then I get angry because we will be late. Have you noticed that?” This can be a time for your child to share their perspective, too. 


Then, with your child, try acting out the scenario in different ways: when everything goes well, when everything falls apart, with a new approach, etc. It’s also super enlightening and fun to try reversing roles. Have your child be the adult, and you be your child. Not only does this lighten the mood about a friction-causing moment, it can also provide both parties some insight into the other’s perspective. Plus, this playful approach strengthens the bond you have with your child.


Special Time


Another way to proactively cultivate a positive relationship is by scheduling “special time.” Our children need our undivided attention, yet so often, as parents, we are pulled in many directions. One way to address this is to commit to having five to ten minutes of one-on-one time with each child. Let your children know that this is when you will be with them one-on-one and 100%. If you have more than one child, each gets to choose what you both do together during that time, and it’s important to schedule separate one-on-one time with each. 


Be sure to play anything they want during this time and commit to the time together. Children love this special time, and be forewarned, they tend to choose the activity we least enjoy! If this is the case, remember it is only for a short duration. Use a timer and stay committed to having the time each day. This undivided attention helps children feel secure and connected. The result? They are more cooperative with us and each other.


Let Routines Rule


If struggles arise around particular times of day (bedtime, mealtime, transitions, getting ready for school, etc.), shifting to a visual schedule can really help. The key is to collaborate (again during a relaxed time when everyone is in a good mood) with your child to create a visual schedule of what needs to happen during these typically challenging times of the day. For example, if bedtime is tough, brainstorm together about all the steps: brushing teeth, bath time, pajamas, picking out clothes for the next day, storytime, etc. Then together, you can create images, either by drawing them or taking photos of your child doing each step. 


This visual schedule can be a checklist that is laminated so your child can use a dry-erase marker to check off each item they have completed, or pictures can be attached with velcro so they are movable (which allows room for the order to be changed if your child can reorder the flow of events). The idea behind this is to give children a sense of control and to also take the focus off of us reminding them of the next steps. When our children hear us giving constant reminders about what to do next, they can easily slip into resistance mode. Plus, by providing information through the visual sense (not just the auditory sense), a visual schedule helps children understand more concretely and remember the expected structure and sequence.


We’d love to hear how these techniques work for you! Parenting can be an emotionally exhausting experience. One of the gifts of these strategies is that they can also help you reconnect to the joy of raising these amazing (and challenging) beings! Also, let us know if you’d like to schedule a time to come visit in person. We love sharing insights and ideas about supporting children!


Child using color-coded word cards to explore pronouns in a Montessori language activity.
March 9, 2026
When children begin working with pronouns in Montessori, they are not learning something entirely new. Instead, they are bringing to consciousness language they already use every day. Pronoun work builds slowly and intentionally. It is not about mastering grammar rules, but about understanding how language functions and how meaning is carried when words stand in for one another. Beginning With Experience, Not Explanation Montessori pronoun work begins with movement and spoken language, not written grammar. We start with little oral games to highlight how a pronoun functions, sometimes eliminating the pronoun (“Josie and John and Jack and Josiah are walking around the table.”) and other times emphasizing the pronoun (“They are walking around the table.”). The children love acting out the phrases, sometimes chanting, moving, watching one another, and laughing. Through these physical experiences, they begin to notice that we don’t always use names when we speak. Certain words take the place of a noun, and the meaning is still clear. At this stage, we don’t offer the term pronoun because we want children to simply experience its function. From Movement to Sentences Once children are ready for more structured language work, we introduce them to the Pronoun Grammar Box so they can build and rebuild sentences using color-coded cards for each part of speech. From one sentence to the next, only a few words change as nouns get replaced by pronouns. By comparing sentences, children discover that although the word changes, the sentence still makes sense. This comparison is essential. Rather than being told what a pronoun is, children see what it does. We then invite children to add grammar symbols to the sentence (noun, article, adjective, verb, preposition, adverb) until we finally draw attention to the remaining word: “This word is used in place of a noun.” Only then do we introduce the pronoun symbol: a purple isosceles triangle, the height of the noun symbol. Montessori Lore: The Pronoun’s Story There’s a beloved story about the pronoun symbol. Long ago, the pronoun was shorter and a different color. Wanting to be as important as the noun, it stretched itself taller and taller to reach the same height. As it stretched, its base became smaller and it turned purple from the effort of standing in the noun’s place. It’s a poetic reminder of what children discover through their work: a pronoun depends on the noun, borrowing its meaning while standing in for it. Why Pronouns Come Later Pronouns are more abstract than other parts of speech. To understand a pronoun, children must already have a strong, concrete understanding of the noun. For this reason, pronouns (along with interjections) are typically introduced later than other grammar symbols, often in the elementary years. Even then, one lesson is not enough. In Montessori, the real learning happens after the presentation, when we step back and children work independently with the material. The guide’s role is to show how to use the material, not to explain grammar in detail. Understanding emerges through repeated use. Deepening Understanding Through Play and Exploration As children grow more confident, the work expands to include: Transposition games, where pronouns are removed or replaced to explore how meaning changes. Command cards, which physically isolate pronouns through action. Personal pronoun charts, introducing first, second, and third person (singular and plural) through storytelling. The Verb Family, where children explore the close relationship between the verb, adverb, and pronoun. Children discover that pronouns often work closely with verbs, helping to carry action and meaning through a sentence. Subtleties Come Later At first, Montessori avoids getting caught in fine distinctions. Over time, children may explore nuances such as the difference between possessive pronouns (the book is mine) and possessive adjectives (my book). These discussions often happen later, sometimes with the support of grammar references, once children have a solid foundation. Language Revealed, Not Taught Through this carefully layered progression of movement, sentence work, symbols, and exploration, children develop a deep understanding of how words function differently in sentences. Montessori grammar invites children to discover how language works at their own pace through hands-on exploration. We don’t rush this process. So by the time children are ready to name the pronoun, it’s not a new idea. It’s something they already know. We invite you to visit our classrooms in Delran, New Jersey to see firsthand the children’s joy of learning!
Newborn baby sleeping peacefully, illustrating Montessori-inspired healthy infant sleep.
March 2, 2026
Sleep is a skill children develop with support, trust, and preparation. This reflection explores how Montessori philosophy aligns with sleep science to support healthy rest for children and parents.